I found these on the internet and thought it might bring back some fond memories and laughs! I read through them and was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face…..

*Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. Now who’s asking the questions?

*If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because man, they’re gone.

*Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them “impressions”, and if you got a different impression, so what? Can’t we all be brothers?
*Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

*Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke”, but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

*If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.

*It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

*One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

*A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

*Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

*I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

*Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

*Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words - “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.