If you’ve taken a look at the theater marquee lately, than you’ll know the list of worthwhile full-price films is akin to the temperature of late in Cache Valley. That is to say, the odds of freezing your derriere to the seat of your car each morning is better than getting the most bang for your buck from Hollywood. Sure, there are films like “Dreamgirls,” “The Pursuit of Happyness” and “Babel,” but you also have “Code Name: The Cleaner,” “The Hitcher” and “Eragon.” So, unless you’re into tossing greenbacks into the fire, the pickings are slim.
FIVE BEST
“The Empire Strikes Back”
If you take all six Star Wars films, this is clearly the best. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s one of the best films of all-time. The pacing is fast, the story arcs are fabulous and what child of the 80s can forget leaving the theater wondering what would become of the now-frozen Han Solo, if Darth Vader truly was Luke’s father, if Luke’s new hand would work as good as his first, where would Luke get a new lightsaber, if he’d stop whining by the third movie and when he was going to hook up with Leia? Thanks to George Lucas for simultaneously underwhelming us and kicking us the lower-regions with the Ewok-fest “Return of the Jedi.”
“Aliens”
I’ve heard “Alien” referred as one of the scariest movies of all-time and I’d agree with that claim if the movie actually held up, but it doesn’t. However, James Cameron’s (”Titanic”) follow-up with “Aliens” is tense and chock full of cool special effects, humor and action. And the scene between Ripley and the Alien queen at the end is one for the ages.
“Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”
Of all the Indiana Jones movies, this is by far my favorite and by far the best of the trilogy. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is too slow at times and “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” feels like the “Return of the Jedi” equivalent, meaning dumbed down and too silly than it’s predecessors. “The Temple of Doom” is tight from beginning to end with action and sprinkled with enough humor to make it light, but not overly cheesy. The mine cart chase, the bugs and the escape from Hong Kong are all scenes the keep this movie going more than 20 years since its release. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (”Munich”) just announced “Indy 4″ for May 2008, and while Indy fans are pumped, I’m depressed. This is a trilogy that should be left alone.
“Terminator 2″
James Cameron shows up again on my list of best sequels because this movie outdid the original in every possible way. “The Terminator” seemed like a one-shot deal, but Cameron found a way to weave a complex storyline with action, humor and ground-breaking special effects. John Connor’s relationship with the Terminator, the CGI of the T1000 and the story are all reasons to give this movie the props it deserves.
“Blade 2″
This is my dark horse, nerdtacular pick for this list. Guillermo del Toro (”Pan’s Labyrinth”) took the texture, gore and action to a whole new level with this sequel to the surprisingly good “Blade.” The soundtrack to this movie is top-notch, as well, combining some talented rap artists with their electronic artist counterparts. The fight scene in front of some huge stadium-like lights between Blade and the vampire assassins in one of the movie’s high points.
Honorable Mention: “The Godfather: Part II,” “Spider-Man 2,” “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” “Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn,” and “The Matrix Reloaded.”
FIVE WORST
“Men in Black 2″
Let’s be honest, despite having Will Smith (”Hitch”) and Tommy Lee Jones (”Man of the House”), the first movie was somewhat of a surprise hit. The second film was utter crap. Smith’s one-liners and cocky personality wears thin and Tommy Lee Jones looks like he was forced out of retirement the whole movie, which, ironically, is one of the films plot points. Put simply, if you’ve haven’t seen this movie, count yourself lucky and stay away. Your life will be better because you listened to me.
“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones”
Fans who thought “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” was questionable got a punch to the soft parts with George Lucas’ absolutely worthless second prequel in the Star Wars sixtilogy. From Hayden Christensen’s stone-faced, whiny acting, to Natalie Portman’s completely detectable abhorrence of all that is Star Wars, this movie flounders in every possible way. Even the effects, a Lucasfilm hallmark, are cheesy and over-used. This chapter in the saga should have been titled “Star Wars Episode II: Milkin’ the Nerds for Every Dollar.”
“Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2″
There are so many questions surrounding this sequel: Has the Hollywood executive who greenlit this feature now working at Denny’s? Did anyone in Cache Valley see this movie and, if so, should we deport them to Kazakhstan? Honestly, this is one of the most egregious attempts by Hollywood to plunder a popular film for every dime possible.
“The Lost World: Jurassic Park”
Michael Crichton’s novel, “Jurassic Park,” was phenomenal and so was the, albeit changed dramatically, movie by Steven Spielberg. Crichton continued with “The Lost World,” but the plot points and story followed “Jurassic Park” the novel, not Spielberg’s movie. Hence, when Spielberg and Universal set out to rake in the bucks with a movie version of “The Lost World,” they had to make some significant changes to the story. Sadly, but not surprisingly, they screwed up and turned a great book into a third-rate, been-there-done-that movie.
“Speed 2: Cruise Control”
“Speed” was a surprise hit in 1994, but when your lead actor - Keanu Reeves (”The Matrix”) - opts to not participate in the sequel, well, it’s time to close up shop. Not only did the studio greenlight “Speed 2″, but they replaced Reeves with Jason Patrick. Jason who? Yeah, that’s right. We hadn’t seen him since “The Lost Boys” and he reappeared with the same acting skills and less hair, which is to say, not good. Throw in Willem Dafoe applying leeches to himself and a runaway cruise ship stocked full of irony and you have one of the worst sequels of all-time.
I totally agree with the worst list. Sequels try too hard to be like the original. Why can’t they just try to make the story continue AND make a movie that can stand on its own. That’s why they always seem so cheesy, we’ve already seen them. The good list, that must have been hard to come up with, there are so few. Terminator, I totally agree with. As well as Aliens, the rest of the Alien movies just try too hard, including the A vs P. I didn’t really like Temple of Doom. The girl just bugged me too much. I hate the “damsel in distress” types.
Hey, Andy, I watched the “Flags of Our Fathers” and I loved it. It made me think, when the guy’s looking for his friend, about how Moroni must have felt seeing everyone he knows and loves dead and being all by himself. How sad and scay that must have been. It made me cry and wonder at how insensitive people can be. Who wants to relive such terrible times on a daily basis, expecially when you know you survived and your friends didn’t. Anyway, thanks for the video. Now we need a review of “Letters from Iwo Jima”. I hope it’s just as good. It’s like the documentaries you see on public television, they usually try to show both sides and it makes it more human.
I saw “Letters from Iwo Jima” last night in SLC and it was better than “Flags.” It shows the brutal nature of both sides from time to time; it shows how Iwo really was the last stand for the Japanese, but they were so entrenched in tradition they didn’t care if they lost, only if they died honorably, which is to say they committed suicide. But it also showed how regardless of whether a soldier was from Japan or the US, they all had mothers who wanted them to return home safely. War is terrible and we should avoid it at all costs. That’s what I got out of both films. The leaders of nations will be held accountable by the Lord for the decisions they make regarding war, mark my words.
I can’t wait to see it. Did you see anything at Sundance, or don’t you go anymore?
The Herald Journal tried to get press credentials and Sundance rejected them. I told them they should have had me apply because I’d been before. That’s kind of funny, actually.
That is funny….losers! You totally could have gotten credentials!
That is so sad. The Herald Journal really needs help. You little name dropper, you. Of course you could get in, Andy. You know all the great movie people. You also write a great review.
Hey, Andy, I guess someone agrees with you on the “Letters from Iwo Jima”, it’s up for a couple of acadamy awards. Also on the list is “Lettle Miss Sunshine”, which I haven’t seen but you gave a good review. Way-to-go. The Journal doesn’t know what they’ve got.
I have “Little Miss Sunshine” on DVD screener too. It’s a great show; a very honest look at a dysfunctional family, but the language is pretty rough in one scene. If you’d like to borrow it, just let me know and I can bring it to FHE or Kaden’s baptism. Thanks for the compliments, by the way, that’s very nice of you to say.
I would love to see it. I’ll exchange “Flags of Our Fathers” for “Little Miss Sunshine”.
“Thank You for Smoking” is pretty funny. That was actually written by the late Art Buchwald.
Yes, I want to see that too.