Be the First in Line

Apocalypto (R, December 8th)

Mel Gibson’s last movie (”The Passion of the Christ”) was in Aramaic and brought a new vision to the last hours of Christ’s life. “Apocalypto” is in the Yucatec Mayan tongue and will supposedly cast new light into the ancient Mayan civilization. Not much is known about this film, as its script was kept secret, but between the unknown and Gibson’s recent bigotry-laden DUI arrest, this should draw quite a few folks to the theater. This could end up an Oscar contender.

The Pursuit of Happyness (PG-13, December 15th)

Will Smith stars as Chris Gardner, a talented salesman who finds himself unemployed and struggling to support his five-year-old son. They are evicted from their apartment and continue to suffer through countless indignities while Gardner works his tail off at a non-paying internship at a top stock brokerage firm. Note: When a trailer leaves you misty, that’s either genius marketing or a pretty good movie. Let’s hope for, and I’m betting on, the latter.

The Good German (R, December 15th)

Steven Soderbergh (”Ocean’s Eleven”, “Erin Brockovich”) directs George Clooney and Cate Blanchett in this black-and-white noir set in World War II Germany. In a nutshell, Clooney is a report sent to Germany to cover the final Allied summit meeting of the war, but also searches for a lost love (Blanchett). Things get tense when a body washes up and the murder/mystery is set. According to Clooney, Blanchett will be nominated for an Oscar for her performance.

Night at the Museum (PG, December 20th)

Ben Stiller is a graveyard-shift security guard at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City, where the museum’s exhibits and artifacts come to life at night. Not sure how the story or plot goes on this movie, but the trailer made me laugh and it looks like an okay show for the kids. Oh, and did I mention Robin Williams, Dick Van Dyke and Mickey Rooney?

The Good Shepherd (R, December 22nd)

Robert De Niro steps behind the camera to direct Matt Damon (”The Bourne Identity”) and Angelina Jolie (”Mr. and Mrs. Smith”) that shows the early development of the CIA through the eyes of one of its earliest recruits, Edward Wilson. While the story isn’t completely non-fiction, this has been De Niro’s pet-project for almost a decade. One has to think Oscar buzz will certainly surround this thriller.

Charlotte’s Web (G, December 15th)

It’s hard to imagine this classic tale from E.B. White not doing well at the box-office, especially considering a top-notch cast such as Dakota Fanning, Julia Roberts, Oprah Winfrey, John Cleese, Steve Buscemi, Kathy Bates, Reba McEntire and Cedric the Entertainer. Let’s just hope they stick to the tale and don’t add too many fart and poop jokes to bring the story into modern, video-game-saturated times.

If You’d Rather Not be Shopping

The Nativity Story (PG, December 1st)

Starring Keisha Castle-Hughes (”Whale Rider”) and directed by Catherine Hardwicke (”Thirteen”, “Lords of Dogtown”), this film follows the story of Joseph and Mary before and after they leave Egypt to travel 100 miles for the birth of Jesus.

The Blood Diamond (R, December 8th)

In my opinion, this movie has two positives going for it: Djimon Hounsou and Edward Zwick. Hounsou is a stellar supporting actor (”In America,” “Amistad”) and Zwick directed “Glory” and “The Last Samurai,” two extremely fine films. This movie is set during the civil war in Sierra Leone and has Leonardo DiCaprio uttering the worst South African/Australian/English accent since Kevin Costner played Robin Hood.

The Holiday (PG-13, December 8th)

Oh, it wouldn’t be the holidays without a film from Nancy Meyers (”Something’s Gotta Give,” “What Women Want”), this one featuring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet as two women who switch homes for the holidays in order to escape their chaotic and frustrating love lives. Oh, and suprise! They both meet handsome men at their new homesteads (see Jack Black and Jude Law). If you’re a dude and you’re planning on not getting your significant other a nice gift for the holidays, buy tickets to this ASAP.

Eragon (Not Yet Rated, December 15th)

I’ll probably get the crap beaten out of me by the D&D Club, but this movie looks like a rip-off of “Lord of the Rings,” “The Chronicles of Narnia,” “King Arthur,” “Star Wars” and “March of the Penguins.” Okay, I’m kidding about the last two rip offs, but honestly, the FX from the trailer look third-rate and the story has already been told. I’d bet a satchel of Farmer Maggot’s carrots this movie tanks and tanks hard.

Rocky Balboa (PG, December 22nd)

Rocky is as American as apple pie, Superman and Batman, but I just don’t anticipate a grittier tale of Rocky’s depends-wearing boxing triumphs to be well-received for well-reviewed. To me this is Hollywood screaming, “We’ve run out of fresh ideas!”, louder than ever before. However, in a nutshell ,this is the plot: Rocky is old. Rocky wants to fight again. Some young buck wants in on the action. Drama ensues. Rocky fights and we think he probably wins, but if he doesn’t, that’s okay because we’ll all feel super when the movie is over.

We are Marshall (PG, December 22nd)

This is the true story of the 1970 tragedy where nearly the entire Marshall football team (75 people died on that plane) died in a plan crash. The story centers around Jack Lengyel (Matthew McConaughey) who worked tirelessly to rebuild Marshall’s football program. This should be sappy and good, but nothing to mark on Oscar ballots, especially considering the director’s, McG, resume (”Charlies Angels”, “Stay Alive”).

Wait Until the DVD…Or Never

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (R, December 1st)

“National Lampoon’s Van Wilder”, starring Ryan Reynold (”Just Friends”), was funny. This will be nothing but nudity, drinking and the same jokes we’ve heard over and over again. If I’m wrong, I’ll watch this non-stop for 24-hours. But something tells me I’ve never been more right.

Black Christmas (R, December 25th)

If you head to the theaters to see this slasher-flick remake on Christmas, you should have your head examined. Especially considering the two most prominent cast members biggest credits are “Ice Princess” and “Party of Five.” I’d rather watch “A Christmas Story” 25 times in a row and eat 10 pounds of fruitcake.